My Journey to Health: Part 2

Recap: In case you missed the last post you can read it here, but in summary last year I was sick. I was tired, my knees hurt, I had anxiety and I knew I needed change. I almost didn't write this post but I've had enough people ask me what I've been doing that I figured it was worth a post. 

Last November, before I ever had blood clots, I had signed up for a New Year Body Challenge. It was 60 days of workouts and recipes and guidance and support via a Facebook group. I am sooo glad I had signed up before I got sick. If I hadn't already signed up and paid, I might have talked myself out of it, but instead I had already committed and looking forward to it. I was sooo ready to begin getting healthy. The challenge was based on the Paleo diet (which you can read about here) and while it worked (I lost 15 pounds in a month) it didn't take me long to realize it was not sustainable for me. Cooking two dinners several nights a week was not ideal and wasn't something I was willing to do long term. Neither was giving up most carbs and dairy.

In the middle of March I started the 6-week Fit Body Challenge, I had done other challenges with the same trainer and always had great success (during my 15-day challenge a few months early I lost 12 pounds) so I was excited and looking forward to seeing more progress with this challenge. The plan came with six workouts a week and 11 daily meal plans to rotate through. It was great for a while. I'm a creature a habit and have no problem eating the same thing for lunch every day all week, but eventually it got to the point where I was cooking two dinners again, or doing some serious modifications so John didn't feel like he was eating the same thing three nights a week. Again, I knew that in order to be successful I needed to make long-term lasting changes and this wasn't it. It was great for the few weeks I stuck with it, but I couldn't do it forever. At this point even with my hodge-podge dieting and little to no exercise I had still lost 20 pounds.

In late April, I was browsing Instagram and saw a post from a girl I knew from high school about counting macros (macro-nutrients - more about that here) and the success her client was having. I had been tracking my macros before I got pregnant with Mason and had been losing weight very slowly but steadily (probably due to my less than stellar tracking skills) and knew it was something I could sustain. I could eat what I wanted as long as it fit in my macros, meaning I didn't have to cook two dinners or skip dessert, I just had to plan for it. So I reached out to her and got started on macro counting the very next day.

Working with Courtney was exactly what I needed. I lost eight pounds in the first month I was counting macros and that included two weekend trips where there was lots of yummy food and drinks and no tracking. She was (and still is) supportive and helpful and gave me workouts I could do at home. Full disclosure, until just a few weeks ago I have been terrible at working out consistently but I still saw results because 90 percent of the time I was eating within my macros. Since the beginning of May when I started counting macros, I've lost another 35 pounds, while steadily increasing the amount of food I get to eat each day. Some days tracking gets a little tedious and I just want to eat without figuring out how many carbs, fat and protein something has in it. But for the most part it is something I don't mind, something that has given me the flexibility to eat dessert every day and still reach my goals, and most importantly something I can do everyday for the foreseeable and long-term future.

I still have a long ways to go but I'm excited about where I'm at and where I'm going.The important thing is I found what works for me! And that might not be the same thing for everyone. Find what makes you happy and do it!

Being healthy isn't a one-time project you can do and just be done with, it takes hard work and dedication and consistency day after day and week after week. It is a journey not a destination and for now I'm enjoying the ride.

My Journey to Health: Part 1

A year ago I was sick. I had just been diagnosed by blood clots in my lungs, I was considered medically morbidly obese, my knees hurt with almost every step I took, I had high cholesterol and high blood pressure, and my body was still trying to heal from pregnancy and childbirth (which doesn't happen in a few weeks like everyone would lead you to believe but that is another post for another time). Physically I was not well but mentally I was probably even worse. I had anxiety and panic attacks about getting more blood clots, the possibility of it happening when I was alone with Mason and even the thought of not being there to watch my baby boy grow up. I cried myself to sleep at night more times than I could count. I was tired, I was moody, I was unhappy and I was scared. At 28-years-old when I should've been in the prime of my life I was anything but, I felt like someone at least twice my age. This wasn't the life I wanted. I was unhealthy, unhappy and ready for a change. 

Mason was moving and learning more and more everyday and I was terrified of the days when I wouldn't be able to run around with him. It is amazing how much such a tiny little person could motivate me to do something I'd been attempting my whole life. Suddenly the stakes were higher. If I didn't make a change and do it now, I wasn't going to be able to be the kind of mom I wanted to be or worse I wasn't going to be there at all. It was just about aesthetics and looking good anymore. It was like someone had flipped a switch. Change, real lasting change, wasn't just an option anymore it was a necessity. Getting healthier and losing weight was no longer something I should be doing but something I had to do; not just for me but for my baby and my family. 

Had you asked me a year and a half ago if I was healthy I probably would've said yes but it was just a lie I told myself so I didn't have to face the truth. I had pretended for years that my weight wasn't negatively impacting me because I didn't have high blood pressure or high cholesterol and I could do most of the things I wanted to do but now I saw the truth. I've done damage to my body I can't undo. My right knee already has significant "wear and tear" as they call it. In January my doctor told me if I didn't do something I'd be looking at knee replacement surgery at 35. Talk about a wake-up call. 

At my job we talk a lot about health and wellness and how we motivate people to change. Just last week we had a presentation about self care coaching and we talked about how in order to motivate people the "change must be personally important and meaningful." I had my reason for change, my motivating factor. It wasn't just personally important and meaningful, to me it was literally the difference between life and death. Now I just had to make changes (which is easier said than done). 

Stay tuned for my next post on what and how I changed, the mistakes I've made and what I've learned along the way (spoiler alert: the journey is never over). 

The Best Year Yet

My 28th year of life started out a little rough (more on that for another post) but I'm happy to say I turned things around and I can honestly say this last year was one of the best I've ever had.
I learned a lot about myself, the things that matter most to me and what I really want out of life.
Just a few of the highlights this year:

• I finally started the journey to fulfilling my lifelong dream of publishing a novel. The first draft is done and editing is underway. 
• I traveled more than I have any other year and it was awesome, more traveling is definitely on the list of things I want to do. I went to San Diego, Denver, Seattle, Portland and Chicago.  
• I made through Mason's first year of life, which is no small feat. 
• I finally figured out how to love myself and how to have a healthy relationship with food. 

I've only got one more year left in my 20's. I'm not sad I'm getting older and I'm not upset that I'll be 30 next year. I'm excited about life and where I'm going and the confidence I've gained and the goals I've set for myself. If this year is any indication, I'm just getting started. Plans for next year include: 

• Publishing my first novel (and maybe my second!) 
• More traveling!! South Dakota and another trip to Seattle are already on the list but I'm hoping there will be many more destinations to visit. 
• Continuing the never ending process of working towards being healthier. I'm hoping to hit my goal weight in the next year.

Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday yesterday! Here's to another great year. 

Love Yourself

I haven't always been nice to my body. In fact, I've done some pretty awful things to it, from cabbage soup diets to the 500-calorie HCG diet to the other extreme of binge eating ice cream and chips and cookie dough and anything I could get my hands on. 

I spent years hating my body for what it couldn't do. It was never skinny enough or fast enough, it couldn't jump high enough and wasn't attractive enough. I've spent years of my life working out and dieting my way to some elusive goal that would suddenly make me happy with my body, a magical number that would make everything better. But I'm here now to tell you no number on the scale will ever make you happy if you don't learn to love and appreciate your body. 

It's taken me 29 years to come to the conclusion that life is too short to give a shit what other people think, it's too short to spend your time hating yourself and your body. 

I used to hate my body because it was too squishy and too tall and not tan enough but this body has done some pretty amazing things! It grew a life inside it and gave birth to a 9-pound baby with no drugs, it served me well through 4-years of high school sports, helped me run a marathon, half-marathon and Ragnar race. No matter how badly I've treated it has very rarely let me down.
In the past year, I've lost 70 pounds. I'm still a ways off from my "goal" weight but I'm no longer letting that define who I am. For the first time in my life I'm happy with my body the way it is right now. I don't hate every single picture that is taken of me. I don't hate every item of clothing I put on. I don't wish everyday for some magical number to appear on the scale.
And can I tell you how freeing it is? How much happier life is when I don't stress because I ate french fries with dinner two days in a row? Or when the scale moves up a few pounds instead of down? Don't get me wrong there has to be moderation and consistency to see progress, but I'm no longer letting a number on a scale dictate how I feel about myself. I might not be at my goal weight yet, but I don't give a damn. I look good and feel good right now! It's empowering, it's humbling and it's amazing. I can finally get up at 5:30 in the morning and work out, because it's not a chore anymore, I want to do it so I can get stronger and be able to keep up with the incredibly speedy Mason. I want to see what else this body is capable of. And if I accidentally sleep through my alarm and miss my workout? I don't feel like a complete failure and give up for the millionth time. I just keep moving forward because progress is about consistency not perfection.
Magazines, commercials, movies, TV shows, basically everything you see everyday, would have you believe that you're not worth anything if you don't look like those girls. If you don't have perfect hair and perfect skin and the perfect body, with curves, but not too many, you are worthless. That no one will ever love you if your dress size in the double digits and you don't look like a Victoria's Secret model. Well you know what? Fuck them. Don't let anyone tell you you're not good enough, not pretty enough, not strong enough. Don't let someone else determine your worth based on ridiculous standards that even supermodels can't uphold without photoshop.
Love your body now! Love the process of getting where you want to be. Workout and eat good foods because you want to be healthy and strong, or because you want to set a good example for your kids, or because you just like to, whatever your reason do it for you. Don't starve yourself so you can have a thigh gap; don't kill yourself in the gym because you're too fat or so someone else will like you, because those aren't good reasons.
When I stopped doing it for someone else it got easier, when I did it for me and my health and my family, it became important enough to make a priority and the excuses started to fall away. When I finally learned to love my body and the things it does for me everyday I started to be happier and more confident. There are days that it is still a struggle, days I still let self-doubt and self-hate creep in, days when I wish I was stronger and faster and skinnier. But I am in a better place than I have been in a very long time. For years I let what others thought about me define who I was and what I thought of my body but not anymore. Those were not fun times in my life. Literally years of my life spent sad and angry because I let someone else make me believe I wasn't good enough.
You are enough, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Set goals and work towards them, but don't let them define you. Love the process, love your body as it is right now, love all your imperfections, they are what make you unique and beautiful and special. Love yourself. Trust me, life is better that way. 

Following your dreams is hard work

I always used to wonder why people settled for less than what they really wanted, why people worked jobs they hated for years and years, instead of pursuing what truly made them happy.
I've been in the process of writing and getting ready to publish my first book for only a few months now and I already have the answer. Following your dreams is hard work. Venturing out of your comfort zone to do something you really love takes a lot of effort and can be so overwhelming.
I was telling my family about my book over the weekend and one of my sisters was asking all sorts of questions. Do you need a publisher? If you publish it yourself how do people know it's there? How do you market your book so people will buy it? Are you going to make money? Good questions sister, good questions.
I am planning on self publishing on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iTunes, etc. That part used to seem hard and scary but no, I've decided the publishing part is easy. The marketing part, not so much.
Not only am I over here writing away trying everyday to meet my goal of adding 1,000 words, so I can finish the book this month, but I also spend every spare moment reading articles about social media and marketing and how to turn traffic into sales and how to build my following. I need a website and a landing page to gather emails and a social media strategy and money to fund it all.
When I'm not stressing about marketing, I'm worrying if anyone will even like my book and when I'm not doing those things I'm working full-time, running a household, being a mom and a wife, trying to find time to workout and see friends, and feeling like I'm failing at everything. It is a little overwhelming to say the least.
I'm sure my family and friends think I'm crazy and are probably more than a little tired of listening to me go on and on about my book but I'm not giving up! And even if it means I miss out on a little sleep it is worth it and I've never been happier. Because as scary and hard as following your dreams is, the alternative isn't any better. Even if I never make one penny from writing books, it makes me happy and has always been my dream and that makes all of the stress and late nights and early mornings and feelings of inadequacy worth it.
Find what makes you happy and go for it! Don't waste another minute being unhappy with your life.

Scary Can be a Good Thing

The word scary doesn't usually conjure up images of sunshine and roses but sometimes we have to do something scary before we can get to the good part. Sometimes following your dreams is the scariest thing in the world.

I've been working on a book lately, an erotic romance, that I am planning on publishing next year. To admit that is one of the hardest things I've done in a long time. I starting writing a book years ago and abandoned it half way through, in part because it was also an erotic romance and I was afraid what my conservative family and friends would think. 

Would they disown me? (A little extreme I realize but a true thought nonetheless). Would they still be proud of me if I published something they didn't agree with? Would I get attacked for contributing to the downfall of society? Would I have to explain myself at every family function for the rest of my life? I want those people who love me to be proud of me, not ashamed because I wrote something reminiscent of 50 Shades of Grey. 

I wrote a short story for a collection of erotic short stories, it's been published and available for a few days now, but no one (except a few close friends) know about it because I'm still nervous about what people are going to think. 

But this is what I want!! I've dreamed about being an author since I was a kid, I've wanted to publish a book for years. I want people to read my books and not be able to put them down, to read them again just because the love it that much. This is my dream and I have to go after it. There are stories in my head just waiting to be told, itching to get out; a lot of times those stories are more than a little sexual, but I'm going to tell them anyway. 

Please don't disown me or hate me for following my dream. I promise there are some non-erotic stories in my head too and one day I'll write them too, but for now I'm going to finish the book I've been working on since May (and then go back and finish the one I started six years ago). I won't hold it against you for not reading it, if you won't hold it against me for writing it. 

I'm still scared but that just means I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and doing something hard. Sometimes hard things are the ones that turn out the best. 

Feeling Nostalgic

Sometimes I hear a song that takes me back to my childhood and makes me feel all nostalgic. This morning that song was "Dig Your Roots" by Florida Georgia Line. I heard them play it a month ago at the concert in Cheyenne and loved it then and it was finally available to buy in iTunes this morning. I might have listened it to it on repeat the entire way to work. It just reminded me of all the good times I had growing up and the important lessons I learned, and am still learning, from my grandparents and parents.
Growing up in a small town is something you can't really explain unless you've done it. As much as I love the convenience of living in place where the store doesn't close at 7 p.m. I wouldn't trade my youth and growing up in Altamont for anything in the world.
There is something special about being able to go home 10 years later and talk to people in the store like you never left. Something awesome about knowing that no matter what you do with your life there is a whole town of people who know you and love you and are proud of everything you've done. People who care about your kids and your husband and want to get to know them just like they know you. It's something I've probably taken for granted more than a time or two, but also something I know is unique and special, and something I'll treasure forever.
I didn't just grow up in a small town though, I grew up on a farm in that small town. Nothing has taught me more about life, love, family and hard work than working next to my sisters on the farm. We spent our summers picking rocks, moving cows and turning hay bales in the fields (with plenty of time to play in the river left over) and winters feeding cows and shoveling the sheep barn. I might have hated every minute spent shoveling poop out of the sheep barn and cursed the days I had to get up before dawn in below freezing temperatures in middle of winter and go feed the cows, but I can honestly say I wouldn't trade those experiences either. They made me who I am today and hopefully made me a better person too.
If there is anything Grandpa Bob and Grandma Connie taught me it is that nothing is handed to you, you've got to work hard for everything you want and sometimes even then life has other plans but you just keep on working hard. All the years of working on the farm taught me that if something is worth doing it is worth doing right and nothing is more important than family.