One for My Parents

Well hello again! It's been a while. I've composed lots of blog posts in my head since the last time, but I never actually wrote them. Oh well, maybe one day I'll get to them, but for today I want to dedicate this space to my parents.
I was at their house over the weekend and my little sister, who make fabulous wedding cakes, said something about crediting her success to my Mom and Dad always teaching us we could do whatever we wanted. I thought about it for a few minutes and decided she was right.
I can't remember a time when my Mom or Dad ever told me I couldn't do something. Except for the time I told my dad I was going to dunk a basketball, he shut that down pretty fast, but let's be real that was never going to happen. When I wanted to be a doctor, they supported me 100%. When I changed my mind and went into journalism instead they never said I was being silly or throwing away my potential. When I told my mom I wanted to run a marathon she didn't laugh at me, instead, she did it with me. When I decided I wanted to publish a book they never once doubted me, just supported me like they always have. It's because of them and their unwavering support that I've accomplished one of my biggest dreams of becoming an author.
I think my sisters and I are pretty lucky. We grew up being told, and in turn believing, we can do anything we want, anything we put our minds to, anything we are willing to work for. I know not everyone is lucky enough to have a support system like that. But there is more! We didn't just get the message to dream big, our parents also taught us that if you want something you have to work for it and nobody owes you anything. I heard the phrase, "Life's not fair," on a regular basis throughout my childhood and teenage years. And while at the time I thought my parents were just saying that to stop the whining of four little girls, I know now that it is true and am glad I learned that valuable lesson as a child. You don't win just by showing up, you won't be successful just because you want to or because that's what's fair, you are going to fail sometimes.
Thank you, Mom and Dad, for letting me fail so I could learn how to get back up and try again. Thank you for teaching me that hard work and a good attitude will get you a lot farther in life than talent alone. Thank you for always believing in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. Thank you for teaching me to dream big and never give up.

It's Almost Here!

I don't remember the last time I was this excited. My book is coming out in two weeks! 14 days people! Whew...I can't believe it is finally here.

I've spent the last 8 months writing, rewriting, researching all of my self-publishing options, working with editors and cover designers, and just getting every possible detail figured out. I was talking to John about it yesterday and he said, "Wow you've really put a lot of thought into this." And I have! Not just writing but marketing and releasing it and making sure all the i's are dotted and t's crossed.

As a self-publishing newbie, I'm sure there are things I haven't even thought of, but I feel confident in the product I'm putting out. It's been reviewed by beta readers, edited by a professional editor and proofread for a final review. I hired a cover designer who did an amazing job creating a stunning and unique cover for my book. The final manuscript is currently being formatted for print by a professional so I can have physical print copies in addition to an ebook version.

I sent out Advanced Reader Copies to some bloggers and a few friends yesterday, and I've already gotten some feedback. People are reading my book and liking it and it makes me unbelievably happy. There are people that have marked my book "to-read" on Goodreads, people I don't know want to read my book! I don't think I've stopped smiling all day. It is an amazing feeling to have people read your words and actually like them. And it makes me so excited to release my baby out into the world.

I know not everyone is going to like it. I choose a pretty controversial topic for my first book and I know there will be some that absolutely hate it, but I'm okay with that, even the most successful authors have people who hate their books. I've even made peace with the fact that many of my family members and conservative friends will probably hate it. I'm just excited to finally be publishing my book and I can't wait for you all to read it!

For anyone who cares, I've already started work on my second book. It is in the very beginning stages of writing but I'm planning on publishing it late this year.

Body Shaming Is Not Okay

I made a small post about this on Facebook a few days ago but I felt like it deserves more, especially since I have such strong feelings about this topic.
Some people (read: ignorant idiots) are shaming Lady Gaga for her "pooch" that was visible during the Super Bowl Halftime show. I'm sorry, were we watching the same show? I saw no pooch, what I say instead was an incredibly talented dancer and performer doing things in sky-high heels that I couldn't never hope to do in bare feet. She ran and danced and sang for 13 minutes, something that would leave most of us a huffing, puffing, sweaty mess. But some people think her stomach is what we should focus on. Those people can f*** off.
Body shaming is not okay. It's not okay to make fun of stars that will never hear (or even care about your opinions), it's not okay to hide behind the internet and make comments you would never say to someones face. It doesn't matter if Lady Gaga will never read your insults because you know what there are other people listening to and reading the thoughtless comments you make.
Let me tell you a real story. One day several years ago my two little sisters and I were watching CMT and Lady Antebellum was on the TV. The lead singer, Hillary Scott, had recently gained some weight (I actually think she was pregnant but that is besides the point). My two sisters spent several minutes commenting on how she looked and how much weight she'd gained and how fat she looked. I sat there nearly in tears. If they thought this beautiful woman on the TV in front of me was fat, what on earth did they think about me? So I asked them. "If she's fat, what does that make me?" They back pedaled so fast I actually find it funny now. "You're not fat Paige." "That's not what we meant." "You look great!" Yeah okay, like I was going to believe any of that after what I'd heard them say three seconds ago.
See it didn't matter that those comments weren't directed at me, they still hurt, because I can guarantee you I was fatter than Hillary Scott but if she wasn't pretty enough, then I definitely wasn't. It didn't matter that she had a killer voice and a successful music career, all that they were talking about was her weight.
The point of this story is not to make my sisters feel bad, but so everyone can see how these seemingly innocent comments and discussion can have an impact on people you know and love. I know there are people out there that will say we should be less sensitive and not take everything so personally, those people can go to hell. Why don't you try telling a third grader that is bullied because of her looks not to be so sensitive?
I want to cry for all the girls growing up in this age of social media. When I was a little girl I only had to deal with the mean things people were willing to say to my face, now people hide behind the internet and hurl insults at people they don't know and it is so sad. When all we do is critique a woman's appearance, regardless of what other amazing talents she may have, we send the message that looks are all that matter, that unless you look a certain way nothing else matters. A message little girls are getting loud and clear. Is that the message you want to send to your daughters? Your sisters? Your friends?
I don't have a daughter but I can guarantee you if I did those are not the things I would want her to learn about self-worth and body image. I would want her to know that she's beautiful no matter what, that beauty goes deeper than the surface, that there are more important things than thigh gaps and the size of jeans you wear, that her successes and failures in life do not hinge on her looks, that she is worth more than the opinions of ignorant people, that the number of likes on Instagram or Facebook don't equal happiness, and that is she loved and cherished whether she's a size 2 or a size 22.
The world is full of enough hate and discontent without tearing each other apart over nonsense like a belly pooch. Let's stop tearing each other down for things that don't matter and start celebrating each other for our difference's and unique talents because that's what makes this world a beautiful place.

A Letter to Me

For every girl out there doubting yourself and hating yourself and crying yourself to sleep at night because you aren't pretty enough or popular enough or skinny enough. For any girl who has ever been bullied or made fun of or alienated. For every girl who is struggling through high school wondering if things will ever get better, this is for you. 

Dear 17-year-old Me,

I have so many things I want to tell you. I know that high school can be hard, high school in a small town has to be the worst. There is no where to hide, everyone knows you and the mistakes you've made, you can't get lost in the shuffle like you could at a bigger school. Don't worry though, someday you'll look back and love that you got to graduate from high school with the same 20 kids you went to Kindergarten with.

I wish I could take away all the hurt and the pain your going to feel over the next few years but I know I can't. It's going to hurt like hell when the boy you have a crush calls you fat, and when your friends have to set you up a date for prom because no one will ask you on their own, and when you overhear someone you thought was a friend saying hurtful things about you. Whoever said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" was a liar because those words are going to hurt and you're going to cry and you're going to eat cabbage soup for 5 days straight because being skinny would make everything better.

I want to tell you not to do those things, not to let those people crush your spirit and take away your confidence but I know you probably won't listen because I've been there and I know it's hard to listen to the few people telling you you are beautiful when it seems like so many voices are saying the opposite but don't let the opinions of a few mean-spirited people change you. I see the way you laugh and make fun of yourself so others can't do it first. I know it is exhausting to put on a happy face every day and pretend to be confident even when your not, but don't give up. Don't stop being you because some people are too ignorant to appreciate how truly awesome you really are.

Believe me when I say someday, someone will tell you you are beautiful every single day and mean it. They will love you with their whole heart not because your perfect but because they love your imperfections. It might not be as soon as you would like but be patient. I've said it already but it's worth repeating don't give up, don't lose hope, don't stop being you, because somewhere out there is someone waiting to love you just the way you are.

Try not to hate your body. I know it's hard but try to love the body you have today, it's capable of some pretty amazing things. Love your body, take good care of it and don't be so hard on yourself, and I promise you will be happier. Love your body for what it can do, not what it can't do. Don't compare yourself to others, we were all created different for a reason, embrace your differences because they are what make you you, and you are beautiful. You are unique and beautiful, don't ever let anyone else tell you otherwise. Don't let a few bullies dictate how you feel about yourself, let your confidence shine through and be proud of who you are, no matter what anyone else has to say. 

Don't be afraid to follow your dreams. You can be anything you want to be, truly believe that. There will always be someone there ready to tell you can't, that your dreams and goals are ridiculous and unattainable. There will always be someone that wants to keep you down so they have someone to keep them company at the bottom. Don't let them do it! Don't ever be ashamed of being smart and driven. Be proud of the skills and talents you were blessed with, nurture them and watch them grow and you'll be amazed at the places they will take you.

High school is hard, I know it is, but nothing lasts forever. Choose to be happy now, don't wait for some magical number on the scale or a boyfriend to be happy, life is too short to rely on others for your happiness. Find happiness in the journey and enjoy every moment. 

There are so many amazing things waiting for you out there, go get them. 

Love,
Me 

The Book Writing Process

Note to self: do not ever take an entire month off from writing again.

I finished writing my book at the end of October, spent the entire monthly of November furiously reading it and making edits to get it ready for my beta readers. When I finally sent it to them at the first of December I breathed a sigh of relief and decided I deserved a few days break from the furious writing/editing schedule I'd been keeping for months. Except a few days stretched into a week and a week stretched into two and before I knew it the entire month of December was gone and I had done almost nothing creative or book-related the entire time.

I shared this quote from Maya Angelou on Instagram a while back, "You can't use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have." And I can say without a doubt it is so true. When I was in the thick of writing and creating the ideas seemed to flow, even ideas for other books and stories. Then I stopped writing for a while and ideas all dried up. Getting back into the flow of writing every night and doing revisions has been difficult to say the least. Part of it is because Mason goes to bed later now so I have less "free" time to devote but mostly it's because I stopped using that creative muscle and now it's out of shape again. I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things and just like getting back into the habit of working out again when you've taken a long break it's hard!

For those of you who are interested my book writing process looks like this so far:

• Write the book. This took me approximately 5 months, about half of that was spent in "intense writing mode" to make up for the other half that was spent in "goof-off writing mode". This stage included obsessively texting friends to brainstorm ideas and ignoring poor John most nights of the week. 
• Reading, revising and editing. I gave myself a month for this and next time I'd like to give myself more time for this stage because it felt very rushed. This stage included more ignoring of John, more texting friends with random questions, a lot of eye rolling about some dumb things I had written and some getting very excited about other things I had written. 
• Beta-reading. I gave my beta-readers a month to read and provide feedback on the book. Next time I'll make sure this month is not December. This stage included a lot of waiting. I do not like waiting. It took every ounce of control I had to not text my beta readers everyday and ask if they were finished yet and what they thought. I might have done that to a few of them anyway. 
• Rewrites. I only have a month to do rewrites and work in some of the suggestions from my beta readers before my book is due to the my editor. I can already tell this might not be enough time, but since I was a journalist and know I can perform well under tight deadlines I hope it won't be a problem.
• Next up is working with my editor. She'll be providing feedback on content, plot, structure, etc. Then there will be even more rewrites on my end. During this time I'll also be working with a cover designer to get a cover created! I honestly have no idea how long this is all going to take, I'm hoping a few weeks, but I could be way off. 
• Proofreading. Once the content is final I'll get it proofread to make sure there are no lingering grammar errors. 
• Formatting. When it's finally ready for the world to read, I'll format the eBook version myself and have someone professional format the print version for me. 
• PUBLISH!!! It seems so far away right now but I get so excited about the idea of actually publishing this book. My goal publish date is May 1 but that may change depending on how long the editor stage takes. 
• Start all over again. Then I'm going to start the whole process over again on my next book. Hopefully with a better, more streamlined process. 

Thank you to anyone who has supported me thus far, you've made this exciting but scary journey a little less scary. 

What Are Your Resolutions?

Sometimes I set New Year's resolutions, sometimes I don't, but I can say with confidence that I rarely follow through with them. Partly because I don't write them down and partly because I don't have a plan.

This year I didn't really make resolutions but rather I wrote down goals of what I would like to accomplish this year. I broke it down into three categories: health & fitness, finance and personal and then set yearly, six-month and quarterly goals for the first part of the year. Because for me writing "lose weight" as my yearly goal is great but how am I going to get there? And because accountability is a big thing for me, I'd thought I'd share a few of them just to keep myself honest.

A few of my health and fitness goals look like this:
Yearly goal: Decrease body fat percentage, while maintaining or increase muscle mass.
Six-month goal: Join a gym and use it.
First quarter goal: Do three push-ups on my toes.
January goal: Eat five servings of fruits and veggies every day.

My finance goals include things like paying off my last student loan this year, growing my emergency savings account, not spending anymore money on make-up until I use the stash I have and paying more attention to the budget I have painstakingly created, because having a budget is no good if I just ignore it until the end of the month and then try to figure out how to "fit" all my expenses into my budget.

Some of my personal goals are big and exciting like publish two books this year. Others are boring and necessary like clean out my closet in January. But for every category and time-frame I made three goals and then I made notes under it of how I plan to accomplish that goal. Don't worry, I'll save you the pain of rehashing my entire four-page goals document.

Not every goal is earth shattering or life changing, but that's the beauty of goals and resolutions, they can be whatever you want them to be! I want my year to be fun and exciting and full of growth, change for better and happiness, and those things don't just happen by accident. What are your resolutions for the new year? Let's kick 2017's ass, so next year at this time we can look back and say "2017 was a great year!"

Crushed It

I think it's safe to say I crushed this year. I can confidently say 2016 was one of the best years of my life. I've accomplished two major things this year: writing my first book and losing 60 pounds. And I am so damn proud of both of them but honestly what made this year the best so far was finally finding my confidence, finally learning to love my self (you can read about that here if you missed it). I finally love who I am and where I'm going and if you don't like well that's too bad. Life is happier when you ignore all the negative voices and surround yourself with people who care about you and want you to succeed. Life is happier when you love your self. But I already wrote a whole post about that so I'll move on.
In addition to a few huge things I've also accomplished a lot of little things this year too:

• I can do a real push-up, on my toes!! I've never in my whole life been able to do that, and now I can actually do two. 
• I got made a multi-state team communications lead at work (it's hard to explain what that means without a whole blog post about my job) but it means more responsibility and leadership at work, which is always good. 
• I published my first non-news related piece, a short story, in a collection of erotic short stories.
• I went hiking with Mason chubs on my back. I'm not a hiker so this is an accomplishment for me. 
• I have finally succeeded in getting up to workout in the morning! I have literally tried for years and failed at getting up in the morning to workout, but now I can finally do it. Maybe because my post-baby body has figured out how to function on less sleep. 
• I can finally say I don't have a love/hate relationship with food anymore. I still have a long ways to go but I feel like I'm well on my way to having a healthy relationship with food. 

I'm sure there are other things, but this is all I can think of right now. 2016 hasn't been without it's trials but overall it was a great year. I made some mistakes, learned a lot about myself and accomplished things I never thought possible. If this year taught me anything it is you really can do whatever you put your mind to. 

I can't wait to see what happens over the next year. I'm excited about the new year and all the exciting things happening my life. Bring it on 2017, I'm ready!