A year ago I was sick. I had just been diagnosed by blood clots in my lungs, I was considered medically morbidly obese, my knees hurt with almost every step I took, I had high cholesterol and high blood pressure, and my body was still trying to heal from pregnancy and childbirth (which doesn't happen in a few weeks like everyone would lead you to believe but that is another post for another time). Physically I was not well but mentally I was probably even worse. I had anxiety and panic attacks about getting more blood clots, the possibility of it happening when I was alone with Mason and even the thought of not being there to watch my baby boy grow up. I cried myself to sleep at night more times than I could count. I was tired, I was moody, I was unhappy and I was scared. At 28-years-old when I should've been in the prime of my life I was anything but, I felt like someone at least twice my age. This wasn't the life I wanted. I was unhealthy, unhappy and ready for a change.
Mason was moving and learning more and more everyday and I was terrified of the days when I wouldn't be able to run around with him. It is amazing how much such a tiny little person could motivate me to do something I'd been attempting my whole life. Suddenly the stakes were higher. If I didn't make a change and do it now, I wasn't going to be able to be the kind of mom I wanted to be or worse I wasn't going to be there at all. It was just about aesthetics and looking good anymore. It was like someone had flipped a switch. Change, real lasting change, wasn't just an option anymore it was a necessity. Getting healthier and losing weight was no longer something I should be doing but something I had to do; not just for me but for my baby and my family.
Had you asked me a year and a half ago if I was healthy I probably would've said yes but it was just a lie I told myself so I didn't have to face the truth. I had pretended for years that my weight wasn't negatively impacting me because I didn't have high blood pressure or high cholesterol and I could do most of the things I wanted to do but now I saw the truth. I've done damage to my body I can't undo. My right knee already has significant "wear and tear" as they call it. In January my doctor told me if I didn't do something I'd be looking at knee replacement surgery at 35. Talk about a wake-up call.
At my job we talk a lot about health and wellness and how we motivate people to change. Just last week we had a presentation about self care coaching and we talked about how in order to motivate people the "change must be personally important and meaningful." I had my reason for change, my motivating factor. It wasn't just personally important and meaningful, to me it was literally the difference between life and death. Now I just had to make changes (which is easier said than done).
Stay tuned for my next post on what and how I changed, the mistakes I've made and what I've learned along the way (spoiler alert: the journey is never over).
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