Body Shaming Is Not Okay

I made a small post about this on Facebook a few days ago but I felt like it deserves more, especially since I have such strong feelings about this topic.
Some people (read: ignorant idiots) are shaming Lady Gaga for her "pooch" that was visible during the Super Bowl Halftime show. I'm sorry, were we watching the same show? I saw no pooch, what I say instead was an incredibly talented dancer and performer doing things in sky-high heels that I couldn't never hope to do in bare feet. She ran and danced and sang for 13 minutes, something that would leave most of us a huffing, puffing, sweaty mess. But some people think her stomach is what we should focus on. Those people can f*** off.
Body shaming is not okay. It's not okay to make fun of stars that will never hear (or even care about your opinions), it's not okay to hide behind the internet and make comments you would never say to someones face. It doesn't matter if Lady Gaga will never read your insults because you know what there are other people listening to and reading the thoughtless comments you make.
Let me tell you a real story. One day several years ago my two little sisters and I were watching CMT and Lady Antebellum was on the TV. The lead singer, Hillary Scott, had recently gained some weight (I actually think she was pregnant but that is besides the point). My two sisters spent several minutes commenting on how she looked and how much weight she'd gained and how fat she looked. I sat there nearly in tears. If they thought this beautiful woman on the TV in front of me was fat, what on earth did they think about me? So I asked them. "If she's fat, what does that make me?" They back pedaled so fast I actually find it funny now. "You're not fat Paige." "That's not what we meant." "You look great!" Yeah okay, like I was going to believe any of that after what I'd heard them say three seconds ago.
See it didn't matter that those comments weren't directed at me, they still hurt, because I can guarantee you I was fatter than Hillary Scott but if she wasn't pretty enough, then I definitely wasn't. It didn't matter that she had a killer voice and a successful music career, all that they were talking about was her weight.
The point of this story is not to make my sisters feel bad, but so everyone can see how these seemingly innocent comments and discussion can have an impact on people you know and love. I know there are people out there that will say we should be less sensitive and not take everything so personally, those people can go to hell. Why don't you try telling a third grader that is bullied because of her looks not to be so sensitive?
I want to cry for all the girls growing up in this age of social media. When I was a little girl I only had to deal with the mean things people were willing to say to my face, now people hide behind the internet and hurl insults at people they don't know and it is so sad. When all we do is critique a woman's appearance, regardless of what other amazing talents she may have, we send the message that looks are all that matter, that unless you look a certain way nothing else matters. A message little girls are getting loud and clear. Is that the message you want to send to your daughters? Your sisters? Your friends?
I don't have a daughter but I can guarantee you if I did those are not the things I would want her to learn about self-worth and body image. I would want her to know that she's beautiful no matter what, that beauty goes deeper than the surface, that there are more important things than thigh gaps and the size of jeans you wear, that her successes and failures in life do not hinge on her looks, that she is worth more than the opinions of ignorant people, that the number of likes on Instagram or Facebook don't equal happiness, and that is she loved and cherished whether she's a size 2 or a size 22.
The world is full of enough hate and discontent without tearing each other apart over nonsense like a belly pooch. Let's stop tearing each other down for things that don't matter and start celebrating each other for our difference's and unique talents because that's what makes this world a beautiful place.

A Letter to Me

For every girl out there doubting yourself and hating yourself and crying yourself to sleep at night because you aren't pretty enough or popular enough or skinny enough. For any girl who has ever been bullied or made fun of or alienated. For every girl who is struggling through high school wondering if things will ever get better, this is for you. 

Dear 17-year-old Me,

I have so many things I want to tell you. I know that high school can be hard, high school in a small town has to be the worst. There is no where to hide, everyone knows you and the mistakes you've made, you can't get lost in the shuffle like you could at a bigger school. Don't worry though, someday you'll look back and love that you got to graduate from high school with the same 20 kids you went to Kindergarten with.

I wish I could take away all the hurt and the pain your going to feel over the next few years but I know I can't. It's going to hurt like hell when the boy you have a crush calls you fat, and when your friends have to set you up a date for prom because no one will ask you on their own, and when you overhear someone you thought was a friend saying hurtful things about you. Whoever said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" was a liar because those words are going to hurt and you're going to cry and you're going to eat cabbage soup for 5 days straight because being skinny would make everything better.

I want to tell you not to do those things, not to let those people crush your spirit and take away your confidence but I know you probably won't listen because I've been there and I know it's hard to listen to the few people telling you you are beautiful when it seems like so many voices are saying the opposite but don't let the opinions of a few mean-spirited people change you. I see the way you laugh and make fun of yourself so others can't do it first. I know it is exhausting to put on a happy face every day and pretend to be confident even when your not, but don't give up. Don't stop being you because some people are too ignorant to appreciate how truly awesome you really are.

Believe me when I say someday, someone will tell you you are beautiful every single day and mean it. They will love you with their whole heart not because your perfect but because they love your imperfections. It might not be as soon as you would like but be patient. I've said it already but it's worth repeating don't give up, don't lose hope, don't stop being you, because somewhere out there is someone waiting to love you just the way you are.

Try not to hate your body. I know it's hard but try to love the body you have today, it's capable of some pretty amazing things. Love your body, take good care of it and don't be so hard on yourself, and I promise you will be happier. Love your body for what it can do, not what it can't do. Don't compare yourself to others, we were all created different for a reason, embrace your differences because they are what make you you, and you are beautiful. You are unique and beautiful, don't ever let anyone else tell you otherwise. Don't let a few bullies dictate how you feel about yourself, let your confidence shine through and be proud of who you are, no matter what anyone else has to say. 

Don't be afraid to follow your dreams. You can be anything you want to be, truly believe that. There will always be someone there ready to tell you can't, that your dreams and goals are ridiculous and unattainable. There will always be someone that wants to keep you down so they have someone to keep them company at the bottom. Don't let them do it! Don't ever be ashamed of being smart and driven. Be proud of the skills and talents you were blessed with, nurture them and watch them grow and you'll be amazed at the places they will take you.

High school is hard, I know it is, but nothing lasts forever. Choose to be happy now, don't wait for some magical number on the scale or a boyfriend to be happy, life is too short to rely on others for your happiness. Find happiness in the journey and enjoy every moment. 

There are so many amazing things waiting for you out there, go get them. 

Love,
Me 

The Book Writing Process

Note to self: do not ever take an entire month off from writing again.

I finished writing my book at the end of October, spent the entire monthly of November furiously reading it and making edits to get it ready for my beta readers. When I finally sent it to them at the first of December I breathed a sigh of relief and decided I deserved a few days break from the furious writing/editing schedule I'd been keeping for months. Except a few days stretched into a week and a week stretched into two and before I knew it the entire month of December was gone and I had done almost nothing creative or book-related the entire time.

I shared this quote from Maya Angelou on Instagram a while back, "You can't use up creativity. The more you use, the more you have." And I can say without a doubt it is so true. When I was in the thick of writing and creating the ideas seemed to flow, even ideas for other books and stories. Then I stopped writing for a while and ideas all dried up. Getting back into the flow of writing every night and doing revisions has been difficult to say the least. Part of it is because Mason goes to bed later now so I have less "free" time to devote but mostly it's because I stopped using that creative muscle and now it's out of shape again. I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things and just like getting back into the habit of working out again when you've taken a long break it's hard!

For those of you who are interested my book writing process looks like this so far:

• Write the book. This took me approximately 5 months, about half of that was spent in "intense writing mode" to make up for the other half that was spent in "goof-off writing mode". This stage included obsessively texting friends to brainstorm ideas and ignoring poor John most nights of the week. 
• Reading, revising and editing. I gave myself a month for this and next time I'd like to give myself more time for this stage because it felt very rushed. This stage included more ignoring of John, more texting friends with random questions, a lot of eye rolling about some dumb things I had written and some getting very excited about other things I had written. 
• Beta-reading. I gave my beta-readers a month to read and provide feedback on the book. Next time I'll make sure this month is not December. This stage included a lot of waiting. I do not like waiting. It took every ounce of control I had to not text my beta readers everyday and ask if they were finished yet and what they thought. I might have done that to a few of them anyway. 
• Rewrites. I only have a month to do rewrites and work in some of the suggestions from my beta readers before my book is due to the my editor. I can already tell this might not be enough time, but since I was a journalist and know I can perform well under tight deadlines I hope it won't be a problem.
• Next up is working with my editor. She'll be providing feedback on content, plot, structure, etc. Then there will be even more rewrites on my end. During this time I'll also be working with a cover designer to get a cover created! I honestly have no idea how long this is all going to take, I'm hoping a few weeks, but I could be way off. 
• Proofreading. Once the content is final I'll get it proofread to make sure there are no lingering grammar errors. 
• Formatting. When it's finally ready for the world to read, I'll format the eBook version myself and have someone professional format the print version for me. 
• PUBLISH!!! It seems so far away right now but I get so excited about the idea of actually publishing this book. My goal publish date is May 1 but that may change depending on how long the editor stage takes. 
• Start all over again. Then I'm going to start the whole process over again on my next book. Hopefully with a better, more streamlined process. 

Thank you to anyone who has supported me thus far, you've made this exciting but scary journey a little less scary. 

What Are Your Resolutions?

Sometimes I set New Year's resolutions, sometimes I don't, but I can say with confidence that I rarely follow through with them. Partly because I don't write them down and partly because I don't have a plan.

This year I didn't really make resolutions but rather I wrote down goals of what I would like to accomplish this year. I broke it down into three categories: health & fitness, finance and personal and then set yearly, six-month and quarterly goals for the first part of the year. Because for me writing "lose weight" as my yearly goal is great but how am I going to get there? And because accountability is a big thing for me, I'd thought I'd share a few of them just to keep myself honest.

A few of my health and fitness goals look like this:
Yearly goal: Decrease body fat percentage, while maintaining or increase muscle mass.
Six-month goal: Join a gym and use it.
First quarter goal: Do three push-ups on my toes.
January goal: Eat five servings of fruits and veggies every day.

My finance goals include things like paying off my last student loan this year, growing my emergency savings account, not spending anymore money on make-up until I use the stash I have and paying more attention to the budget I have painstakingly created, because having a budget is no good if I just ignore it until the end of the month and then try to figure out how to "fit" all my expenses into my budget.

Some of my personal goals are big and exciting like publish two books this year. Others are boring and necessary like clean out my closet in January. But for every category and time-frame I made three goals and then I made notes under it of how I plan to accomplish that goal. Don't worry, I'll save you the pain of rehashing my entire four-page goals document.

Not every goal is earth shattering or life changing, but that's the beauty of goals and resolutions, they can be whatever you want them to be! I want my year to be fun and exciting and full of growth, change for better and happiness, and those things don't just happen by accident. What are your resolutions for the new year? Let's kick 2017's ass, so next year at this time we can look back and say "2017 was a great year!"

Crushed It

I think it's safe to say I crushed this year. I can confidently say 2016 was one of the best years of my life. I've accomplished two major things this year: writing my first book and losing 60 pounds. And I am so damn proud of both of them but honestly what made this year the best so far was finally finding my confidence, finally learning to love my self (you can read about that here if you missed it). I finally love who I am and where I'm going and if you don't like well that's too bad. Life is happier when you ignore all the negative voices and surround yourself with people who care about you and want you to succeed. Life is happier when you love your self. But I already wrote a whole post about that so I'll move on.
In addition to a few huge things I've also accomplished a lot of little things this year too:

• I can do a real push-up, on my toes!! I've never in my whole life been able to do that, and now I can actually do two. 
• I got made a multi-state team communications lead at work (it's hard to explain what that means without a whole blog post about my job) but it means more responsibility and leadership at work, which is always good. 
• I published my first non-news related piece, a short story, in a collection of erotic short stories.
• I went hiking with Mason chubs on my back. I'm not a hiker so this is an accomplishment for me. 
• I have finally succeeded in getting up to workout in the morning! I have literally tried for years and failed at getting up in the morning to workout, but now I can finally do it. Maybe because my post-baby body has figured out how to function on less sleep. 
• I can finally say I don't have a love/hate relationship with food anymore. I still have a long ways to go but I feel like I'm well on my way to having a healthy relationship with food. 

I'm sure there are other things, but this is all I can think of right now. 2016 hasn't been without it's trials but overall it was a great year. I made some mistakes, learned a lot about myself and accomplished things I never thought possible. If this year taught me anything it is you really can do whatever you put your mind to. 

I can't wait to see what happens over the next year. I'm excited about the new year and all the exciting things happening my life. Bring it on 2017, I'm ready! 

My Journey to Health: Part 2

Recap: In case you missed the last post you can read it here, but in summary last year I was sick. I was tired, my knees hurt, I had anxiety and I knew I needed change. I almost didn't write this post but I've had enough people ask me what I've been doing that I figured it was worth a post. 

Last November, before I ever had blood clots, I had signed up for a New Year Body Challenge. It was 60 days of workouts and recipes and guidance and support via a Facebook group. I am sooo glad I had signed up before I got sick. If I hadn't already signed up and paid, I might have talked myself out of it, but instead I had already committed and looking forward to it. I was sooo ready to begin getting healthy. The challenge was based on the Paleo diet (which you can read about here) and while it worked (I lost 15 pounds in a month) it didn't take me long to realize it was not sustainable for me. Cooking two dinners several nights a week was not ideal and wasn't something I was willing to do long term. Neither was giving up most carbs and dairy.

In the middle of March I started the 6-week Fit Body Challenge, I had done other challenges with the same trainer and always had great success (during my 15-day challenge a few months early I lost 12 pounds) so I was excited and looking forward to seeing more progress with this challenge. The plan came with six workouts a week and 11 daily meal plans to rotate through. It was great for a while. I'm a creature a habit and have no problem eating the same thing for lunch every day all week, but eventually it got to the point where I was cooking two dinners again, or doing some serious modifications so John didn't feel like he was eating the same thing three nights a week. Again, I knew that in order to be successful I needed to make long-term lasting changes and this wasn't it. It was great for the few weeks I stuck with it, but I couldn't do it forever. At this point even with my hodge-podge dieting and little to no exercise I had still lost 20 pounds.

In late April, I was browsing Instagram and saw a post from a girl I knew from high school about counting macros (macro-nutrients - more about that here) and the success her client was having. I had been tracking my macros before I got pregnant with Mason and had been losing weight very slowly but steadily (probably due to my less than stellar tracking skills) and knew it was something I could sustain. I could eat what I wanted as long as it fit in my macros, meaning I didn't have to cook two dinners or skip dessert, I just had to plan for it. So I reached out to her and got started on macro counting the very next day.

Working with Courtney was exactly what I needed. I lost eight pounds in the first month I was counting macros and that included two weekend trips where there was lots of yummy food and drinks and no tracking. She was (and still is) supportive and helpful and gave me workouts I could do at home. Full disclosure, until just a few weeks ago I have been terrible at working out consistently but I still saw results because 90 percent of the time I was eating within my macros. Since the beginning of May when I started counting macros, I've lost another 35 pounds, while steadily increasing the amount of food I get to eat each day. Some days tracking gets a little tedious and I just want to eat without figuring out how many carbs, fat and protein something has in it. But for the most part it is something I don't mind, something that has given me the flexibility to eat dessert every day and still reach my goals, and most importantly something I can do everyday for the foreseeable and long-term future.

I still have a long ways to go but I'm excited about where I'm at and where I'm going.The important thing is I found what works for me! And that might not be the same thing for everyone. Find what makes you happy and do it!

Being healthy isn't a one-time project you can do and just be done with, it takes hard work and dedication and consistency day after day and week after week. It is a journey not a destination and for now I'm enjoying the ride.

My Journey to Health: Part 1

A year ago I was sick. I had just been diagnosed by blood clots in my lungs, I was considered medically morbidly obese, my knees hurt with almost every step I took, I had high cholesterol and high blood pressure, and my body was still trying to heal from pregnancy and childbirth (which doesn't happen in a few weeks like everyone would lead you to believe but that is another post for another time). Physically I was not well but mentally I was probably even worse. I had anxiety and panic attacks about getting more blood clots, the possibility of it happening when I was alone with Mason and even the thought of not being there to watch my baby boy grow up. I cried myself to sleep at night more times than I could count. I was tired, I was moody, I was unhappy and I was scared. At 28-years-old when I should've been in the prime of my life I was anything but, I felt like someone at least twice my age. This wasn't the life I wanted. I was unhealthy, unhappy and ready for a change. 

Mason was moving and learning more and more everyday and I was terrified of the days when I wouldn't be able to run around with him. It is amazing how much such a tiny little person could motivate me to do something I'd been attempting my whole life. Suddenly the stakes were higher. If I didn't make a change and do it now, I wasn't going to be able to be the kind of mom I wanted to be or worse I wasn't going to be there at all. It was just about aesthetics and looking good anymore. It was like someone had flipped a switch. Change, real lasting change, wasn't just an option anymore it was a necessity. Getting healthier and losing weight was no longer something I should be doing but something I had to do; not just for me but for my baby and my family. 

Had you asked me a year and a half ago if I was healthy I probably would've said yes but it was just a lie I told myself so I didn't have to face the truth. I had pretended for years that my weight wasn't negatively impacting me because I didn't have high blood pressure or high cholesterol and I could do most of the things I wanted to do but now I saw the truth. I've done damage to my body I can't undo. My right knee already has significant "wear and tear" as they call it. In January my doctor told me if I didn't do something I'd be looking at knee replacement surgery at 35. Talk about a wake-up call. 

At my job we talk a lot about health and wellness and how we motivate people to change. Just last week we had a presentation about self care coaching and we talked about how in order to motivate people the "change must be personally important and meaningful." I had my reason for change, my motivating factor. It wasn't just personally important and meaningful, to me it was literally the difference between life and death. Now I just had to make changes (which is easier said than done). 

Stay tuned for my next post on what and how I changed, the mistakes I've made and what I've learned along the way (spoiler alert: the journey is never over).