Why?

I have hit the roadblock. The big brick wall that seems to pop up every time I set a goal or a training program and try to stick to it. I do really well for the first little while and then BAM!! No motivation, no will power, no real desire to do whatever it is I set out to do. This time it is running. I am as you know running the Wasatch Back in June. I have known this for a long time now and I have been doing a good job training since I would say Mid-August but now I have no desire to go running, to push myself, to get better. This same exact thing happened when I trained for the marathon, except I never really recovered and in turn finishing the marathon was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. Yes running partners, awesome music, a training deadline all help but what I really need to do is look inside myself and figure out why? Why am I running? Why do I want to do the Wasatch Back? Why don't I have the motivation to train? Why when I am already downstairs on the treadmill do I quit after 1.5 miles instead of pushing through and finishing my goal for that day? Why am I trying to get in shape in the first place? Is it because I want to look good in my wedding dress? Because well that is a temporary goal.. six months from now it won't matter anymore. Is it because I want to change my life and become healthier? If so, then why is it so damn hard? Maybe I always hit a roadblock whenever I try to do anything worth while because I am afraid to let myself succeed. It sounds crazy but hear me out. When I was in school I was expected to get A's because my parents knew I could. So maybe if I trained really well and rocked the next race or lost that weight that has been bothering me I will know I can and then it becomes an expectation. I wouldn't be able to use "I can't" as an excuse because well I can. I don't think this just applies to running but to everything maybe we sometimes hold ourselves back because we are scared that we can and that we will have actually make our dreams and goals a reality because we know we can do it. And that is scary!! Sometimes it is more comfortable to sit on the couch with a bowl of ice cream dreaming about all the things I want to do someday instead of actually going out and doing them, because yes there is a chance of failure and no one wants to fail. So if I never push myself really hard to run a faster mile or lose 20 pounds I didn't really fail because I tried and it just didn't work out. I would like to say I am going to get up tomorrow morning put on my workout clothes and go run 5 miles because I want that taste of success but the truth is I don't really know if I will. Before I can go any further with training and working out, I have to figure out why.